Soooo....Party tonight at tams. Should be good should be good. Dont know why I found it so hard to spell correctly in my last post but i can't be bothered correcting it. Oh no bad grammar!

So Party tonight. I have five pounds. Oh nooooes :(

I need a POA cause i can't be bothered moving

It's just the people I am with, and the people who hang around me., Expicially the closest. i just feel vulnurable. And sometines as if they take the piss even though i know im done. I'm just insecure. and half deaf. and love my cat

xx

My mum's sick again, her cancers back and shes doing the whole chemo thing again.

The doctors are trying to stick my on anti depressants again so they can clearly go and fuck themselves.

But my mum has cancer again.

like. she has cancer again.

like my dad has cancer, my mum has cancer, my dad has cancer again and dies, and now my mum has cancer again.

It's like that show ''punk'd'' only this is my motherfucking life,

and more importantly it's hers.

and its like a really bad joke.

Happy new year everyone.
 

In 2009, me and Skea are going to hike an active volcano and camp on it.

oh yas!

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe;
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread;
She whipped them all soundly,
and sent them to bed.
Then she got done by social services.
 

What the hell is wrong with nursery ryhmes?

and that one with the giant fee fi fo fum, it's like seriously kids, he'll grind your bones and eat you.

or that rockabye baby,

Rock-a-bye, baby
In the treetop
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
Cradle and all

For a start, who the hell would put a baby in a tree and secondly, what the hell, the end of the story is that this baby, this tiny wee things, comes crashing down from the top of a tree.

who did this?!

I havent vented in such a long time.
The only person i have vented to, i push away regardless if i'm trying to do it on purpose or not, but i'm pretty sure i'm not trying to do it on purpose because i want them around very much, for the long haul.
Alot has gone down since my last post. I think i've changed quite alot, but I dont know if it's a bad thing or not. I dont think it is. But changes can be bad, even if what they change you into isnt.
I think one of the main reasons i dont like writing on this is because it's wierd to know that just anybody can see it.
I dont care now though. Whats the point of having a 'livejournal' if you dont write what you want to in it?

Like i said alot has happened.
I started a job working as a volunteer for the RDA which is riding for the disabled.
I loved it, i got to work with horses which are animals I have always had a soft spot for, they are just amazing, with such personalities.
I got to work with Disabled children to adults, and I met some really really great inspiring people in them.
my bosses and collegues were all wonderful people. I met Mandi, who has turned out to be the best friend I have ever had. I have so much fun with her doing fuck all. I also met people like Angela, rachel, Alistair (b!) Nichola and Debbie who are all great and I have had such a laugh with all of them, wether it's trying on wigs and having a girls night in, to meeting someone who just got out of jail and going to her apartment having a few drinks and a laugh before a night out on the town, climbing up really high on haystacks in the middle of the night to hide for no apparnent reason and have a huge laugh, to getting a lift into town, going in for a joint and ending up staying there for two days, so many good memories. So i'm really glad that i got the chance to meet all of them.
I lost goverment funding, so I was let go. But I dont regret the time I had there, it was really amazing and I learnt so much and took away so much.
So that was great.
I'm still with skea, we've gone through alot together now, and i'm so happy that I have him in my life, he's my boyfriend, my partner, my lover, my very best friend. He means so much to me and I count myself so lucky that I have someone like him that I can trust and lean on when I need to. We've been together over a year and a half now and every day i'm loving him more and more. So i'm so grateful for him, and i'm so happy and proud to be with him. He makes me proud.

My dad died.
there no way that i can say that gently so i thought i'd just say it. I think that my dad dying, is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. that saying you don't know what you've got till you've gone is completely true. His cancer came back. He was in and out of hospital and we were told that he had a shot, that he could start treatment and that we would have a shot. Not long after they told us that, they told us he had two weeks. I remember just feeling like everything I was meant to feel, and everything I was, just pretty much everything in me, just draining into a big hole, and then everything was just black. He stayed in the house with us.
And watching him, and caring for him was so damn hard. He's my father, and I pretty much had to watch him die not being able to do anything about it. It was so hard, i cried alot. I tried not to cry infront of him but sometimes I couldnt help it, when he was holding my hand and we were talking. I remember him saying that when in life i'm faced with something, and I dont know what to do, ''think what my daddy would do.'' I'll always remember those words, and how it broke us both at that moment. He lasted three weeks, because he had such a strong heart, which i think reflects on how good a heart, and how good a person he was. He was the nicest most gentle kind hearted man, who loved his family. He slipped into a coma three days before he died. He basically went to sleep for the last time. We had nurses in everynight to look over him and tell us if anything happened. Early in the morning one day, when it was still dark, i felt as if something was getting torn away from me. I went downstairs to find my nurse and my mum by his side, they were about to call on me. And I knew that this was it. We held him, and we kissed him, and we said our last goodbyes, and he left this world with us right there. I can only hope that he knew that we were there with him, holding him, and loving him,. I just hope he know thats I loved him, and I still do, more than the world. And I would have given anything, to be able to take away his suffering.
I remember the moment before he passed, just all the colour left his face. Then he stopped breathing. I dont think i've ever cried so hard in my life. I stayed in the room with him for quite a while. I lay next to him and held him. Just wanting my Dad and only him.
My father was jewish, as is my family and my heritage, which is why i consider myself a daoist jew. The rabbi came, and did what he needed to do, and I put the sheet over his face. And that was it. The funeral was the next day, and i couldnt of done it without skea there behind me. Mandi and David also came to support me, I will always love them for that. The turnout was huge. I threw my silver ring that I loved so much into the grave after my dad, skeas ring went in to. As a few other things that were for my dad.  Then there was nothing else to do but leave. The turnout was huge. There was hundreds of people there. Which i was grateful for because it proved the kind of person he was and how many people he had touched. My mom was great. She was strong for him and for me. And she stood beside me at the funeral, with marilyn, my dads twin beside us. There is no possible way I can say or write everything i possibly want to be able to, because I dont know how. These arent my words but this is who i felt and still do >
''I dont know how to exist in a world where my dad doesnt.'' But with the help of people around me, and what my dad would have wanted, i'm trying and I hope that i can make him proud. He was the best father in the world, and I love him. My daddy.

Well thats it. I guess thats everything i wanted to write for this post.
I dont know if i can write anymore right now anyway.
until next time.
x

  If you'll be my star, i'll be your star
  You can hide underneath me and come out at night,
  when I turn jet black, and you show off your light,  I live to let you shine,
  I live to let you shine.

 And you can star rocket away from me, and never come back if you find another galaxy...
 far from me... with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by...

 If you'll be my boat, i'll be your sea,
 a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity,
 ebbing and flowing, and pushed by a breeze,  I live to make you free,
 I live to make you free...

And you can set sail to the west if you want to, past the horizon, till I can't even see you...
far from here where the beaches are wide, just leave me your wake to remember you by....

If you'll be my star, i'll be your sky, you can hide underneath me...
and come out at night...When i turn jet black, and you show off your light . . .
I live to let you shine....I live to let you shine.

And you can sky rocket away from me, and never come back if you find another galaxy,
far from here, with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by,
star dust to remember you by.

The bite Quizz:

The rules are basic all you need to do is answer the name after each body part. For example the person that you would bite in this place or have bitten in this place.

Who would you bite on the...

1. Arm: Like. everyone. It's how I show affection! I bite :(
2. Hand: me when it's itchy. seriously :)
3. Chest: skea
4. Neck: skeeea.
5. face: Skea, Graeme, Dean, like...lot's of people. affection I tell you! 
6. Leg: Anyone who's leg is in biting reach, which is not alot, but a lovely opportunity when given :)
7. Theigh: haha. skea.
8. Foot: I bit my foot once when i was itchy....i think i've bitten deans too.
9. Ear: skeeea. 
10. Nose: dean. forever i shall be attatched to his nose.

Now who would you let bite you on the .....

1. Arm: anyone without ultra sharp teeth
2. Hand: no no no no no,  unless it's oneself biting oneself, nibbling is only allowed. hands hurt.
3. Chest: skea. he kinda gets a given on the biting.
4. Neck: as above
5. face: Any of my close group of friends, seriously, affection, i like being bitten. but not like ''CRUNCH'' 
6. Leg: anyone who was in range i guess who was again in my close group of friends, doesnt happen often
7. Theigh: skea 
8. Foot: no one. i'd probably kick them in the face by accident. 
9. Ear: skea. i've got this thing about having my ears nibbled. so no one else is allowed to do it.
10. Nose: lol. I think dean's actually bitten me there before, did you? I can't remember