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02 January 2010 @ 05:55 pm

If my mum dies im so fucked. Theres this voice in my head that keeps whispering to me. This could be it.
1st round of chemo bought her a year, 2nd bought her fuck all as it didnt work at all and she was bleeding the next month,
and if this one doesnt work then I don't know. She can't have surgery, she's already too messed up in there and last time she was on the table the DR was so glad that she just managed to survive the procedure after nearly dying on the table. After that he said she couldnt have surgery again. So this chemo has to work, it just fucking has to.

I remember what I was like after my dad died and while he was sick, and previous times when my mum was sick. I went on a complete downward spiral. I'd drink anything with a percentage, kiss anything with lips, smoke anything you can roll, never said no, stop or enough. I lost alot of friends, I allienated myself, fucked myself over and over, got myself into situations i still cant beleive I made out of alive.  I tend to freak out when people touch me. Especially when i'm crying, if you ever actually have to endure the sight of that for the love of god dont touch me because I will scare you.

If my mum dies i wont have a family anymore. I dont know how to be in a world my dad isnt but i've got to do it anyway, but how do you be in a world when none of your parents are there? How do you cope? I'm trying to deal with everything with a smile on my face.
When I was talking to the DR about her and he told me there wasnt a chance of curing her now I smiled because she was watching, I smiled. Inside my heart had just ripped itself apart into ribbons and were falling through me in pieces. I need my mum to survive here, even for the selfish reason alone i need her to survive.

I wish I could give her my health. I wish I could of given my dad my health. I wish we got the choice. Why do bad things happen to good people. This holiday has been the worst. and i'm begging you 2010, be a better year. Dont take my mum.

I remember when my dad died, I remember the pain he'd be in for so long, I remember how his face looked, how white he was, I remember the moment he took his last breath and exactly how he looked as he did it. It was in slow motion. I died a bit with him that day. I remember i started shouting at the nurse after he went (sorry nurse) and climbing onto the bed next to him and just lying there next to him, holding him, until people came to take me away. I can;t go through it again with my mum i just can't. it'll destroy me. I cant see her die. I cant watch another person die. not my dad. not my mum.

31 March 2009 @ 04:15 pm


Soooo....Party tonight at tams. Should be good should be good. Dont know why I found it so hard to spell correctly in my last post but i can't be bothered correcting it. Oh no bad grammar!

So Party tonight. I have five pounds. Oh nooooes :(

I need a POA cause i can't be bothered moving

19 March 2009 @ 11:00 pm

It's just the people I am with, and the people who hang around me., Expicially the closest. i just feel vulnurable. And sometines as if they take the piss even though i know im done. I'm just insecure. and half deaf. and love my cat


26 February 2009 @ 09:03 pm

My mum's sick again, her cancers back and shes doing the whole chemo thing again.

The doctors are trying to stick my on anti depressants again so they can clearly go and fuck themselves.

But my mum has cancer again.

like. she has cancer again.

like my dad has cancer, my mum has cancer, my dad has cancer again and dies, and now my mum has cancer again.

It's like that show ''punk'd'' only this is my motherfucking life,

and more importantly it's hers.

and its like a really bad joke.


02 January 2009 @ 10:08 pm

Happy new year everyone.

In 2009, me and Skea are going to hike an active volcano and camp on it.

oh yas!

13 December 2008 @ 04:44 pm

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe;
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread;
She whipped them all soundly,

and sent them to bed.
Then she got done by social services.

What the hell is wrong with nursery ryhmes?


and that one with the giant fee fi fo fum, it's like seriously kids, he'll grind your bones and eat you.

or that rockabye baby,

Rock-a-bye, baby
In the treetop
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
Cradle and all

For a start, who the hell would put a baby in a tree and secondly, what the hell, the end of the story is that this baby, this tiny wee things, comes crashing down from the top of a tree.

who did this?!

04 November 2008 @ 08:55 pm

Lets blow this hotdog stand !!
14 August 2008 @ 06:42 am

I havent vented in such a long time.
The only person i have vented to, i push away regardless if i'm trying to do it on purpose or not, but i'm pretty sure i'm not trying to do it on purpose because i want them around very much, for the long haul.
Alot has gone down since my last post. I think i've changed quite alot, but I dont know if it's a bad thing or not. I dont think it is. But changes can be bad, even if what they change you into isnt.
I think one of the main reasons i dont like writing on this is because it's wierd to know that just anybody can see it.
I dont care now though. Whats the point of having a 'livejournal' if you dont write what you want to in it?

Like i said alot has happened.
I started a job working as a volunteer for the RDA which is riding for the disabled.
I loved it, i got to work with horses which are animals I have always had a soft spot for, they are just amazing, with such personalities.
I got to work with Disabled children to adults, and I met some really really great inspiring people in them.
my bosses and collegues were all wonderful people. I met Mandi, who has turned out to be the best friend I have ever had. I have so much fun with her doing fuck all. I also met people like Angela, rachel, Alistair (b!) Nichola and Debbie who are all great and I have had such a laugh with all of them, wether it's trying on wigs and having a girls night in, to meeting someone who just got out of jail and going to her apartment having a few drinks and a laugh before a night out on the town, climbing up really high on haystacks in the middle of the night to hide for no apparnent reason and have a huge laugh, to getting a lift into town, going in for a joint and ending up staying there for two days, so many good memories. So i'm really glad that i got the chance to meet all of them.
I lost goverment funding, so I was let go. But I dont regret the time I had there, it was really amazing and I learnt so much and took away so much.
So that was great.
I'm still with skea, we've gone through alot together now, and i'm so happy that I have him in my life, he's my boyfriend, my partner, my lover, my very best friend. He means so much to me and I count myself so lucky that I have someone like him that I can trust and lean on when I need to. We've been together over a year and a half now and every day i'm loving him more and more. So i'm so grateful for him, and i'm so happy and proud to be with him. He makes me proud.

My dad died.
there no way that i can say that gently so i thought i'd just say it. I think that my dad dying, is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. that saying you don't know what you've got till you've gone is completely true. His cancer came back. He was in and out of hospital and we were told that he had a shot, that he could start treatment and that we would have a shot. Not long after they told us that, they told us he had two weeks. I remember just feeling like everything I was meant to feel, and everything I was, just pretty much everything in me, just draining into a big hole, and then everything was just black. He stayed in the house with us.
And watching him, and caring for him was so damn hard. He's my father, and I pretty much had to watch him die not being able to do anything about it. It was so hard, i cried alot. I tried not to cry infront of him but sometimes I couldnt help it, when he was holding my hand and we were talking. I remember him saying that when in life i'm faced with something, and I dont know what to do, ''think what my daddy would do.'' I'll always remember those words, and how it broke us both at that moment. He lasted three weeks, because he had such a strong heart, which i think reflects on how good a heart, and how good a person he was. He was the nicest most gentle kind hearted man, who loved his family. He slipped into a coma three days before he died. He basically went to sleep for the last time. We had nurses in everynight to look over him and tell us if anything happened. Early in the morning one day, when it was still dark, i felt as if something was getting torn away from me. I went downstairs to find my nurse and my mum by his side, they were about to call on me. And I knew that this was it. We held him, and we kissed him, and we said our last goodbyes, and he left this world with us right there. I can only hope that he knew that we were there with him, holding him, and loving him,. I just hope he know thats I loved him, and I still do, more than the world. And I would have given anything, to be able to take away his suffering.
I remember the moment before he passed, just all the colour left his face. Then he stopped breathing. I dont think i've ever cried so hard in my life. I stayed in the room with him for quite a while. I lay next to him and held him. Just wanting my Dad and only him.
My father was jewish, as is my family and my heritage, which is why i consider myself a daoist jew. The rabbi came, and did what he needed to do, and I put the sheet over his face. And that was it. The funeral was the next day, and i couldnt of done it without skea there behind me. Mandi and David also came to support me, I will always love them for that. The turnout was huge. I threw my silver ring that I loved so much into the grave after my dad, skeas ring went in to. As a few other things that were for my dad.  Then there was nothing else to do but leave. The turnout was huge. There was hundreds of people there. Which i was grateful for because it proved the kind of person he was and how many people he had touched. My mom was great. She was strong for him and for me. And she stood beside me at the funeral, with marilyn, my dads twin beside us. There is no possible way I can say or write everything i possibly want to be able to, because I dont know how. These arent my words but this is who i felt and still do >
''I dont know how to exist in a world where my dad doesnt.'' But with the help of people around me, and what my dad would have wanted, i'm trying and I hope that i can make him proud. He was the best father in the world, and I love him. My daddy.

Well thats it. I guess thats everything i wanted to write for this post.
I dont know if i can write anymore right now anyway.
until next time.

29 March 2008 @ 05:58 pm
So this is life isnt it. and theres nothing we can do about it. but the thing is life isnt meant to be like this. and im seriously starting to doubt wether i should be living it anymore. there is too much shite going on and i cant take it.
My dad is going to die. Doctor says we probably dont have more than a week. and that was two days ago. so what do i do?
what the fuck am i meant to do now? This is it isnt it. to think that this time next week. well. LIke i said. this isnt what life is meant to be like. 
16 February 2008 @ 11:54 pm
I miss him so much!! 
Mackraken!!!!!!! love love love
24 January 2008 @ 02:41 pm
Guess what?
I'm not pissed off or angry anymore.
Oh yeah. You heard it alright.
I've got this thing that I love to do, and that I'm actually good at.
Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
And this means I'll have enough to go on holiday in easter with skea, yas!
Gonna get our own wee cottage thing with a private sauna. oh yes.

New year pictures anyone?

I had a fucking brilliant time that night.
Gunners birthday at the weekend was a fucking blast, was actually so good.
I love getting free drinks of my barman haha.
I got hit on by this guy that looked like he's been roughly beat up.
he kissed my hand. It was hilarious if not terrifying.
then skea got all manly and came and stood behind me.
was funny.
Rosses was great after town, then I went back to skeas.
Was good.
now I really miss him.
havent seen him for a bit.
Wont see him till next weekend.
But tonight i get to see tony :)
And tomorrow i'm seeing sweeny todd.
Saturday i'm babysitting so mmm...but town after i think.
Sunday should just be lazing about.
Maybe with a friend.
And food.
And some beer maybe.
And monday I start with the working.
Yas. Full time. And it's with horses. Fucking love it.
After which it's town for a drink.
Then off home.
This weekend and next coming week looks good.
My life is starting to be good.
Quite good.
Me and skea had our one year. Over A year now.
And we're hopefully going away in easter.
And im getting a kitten.
I think thats it for now?
So until next time,
au revoir my darlings.
Oh oh! I'm getting my first tattoo.
oh yeah
29 July 2007 @ 05:53 am
song, crosses
29 July 2007 @ 04:57 am
straight lines
silver chair.
29 July 2007 @ 04:10 am

  If you'll be my star, i'll be your star
  You can hide underneath me and come out at night,
  when I turn jet black, and you show off your light,  I live to let you shine,
  I live to let you shine.

 And you can star rocket away from me, and never come back if you find another galaxy...
 far from me... with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by...

 If you'll be my boat, i'll be your sea,
 a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity,
 ebbing and flowing, and pushed by a breeze,  I live to make you free,
 I live to make you free...

And you can set sail to the west if you want to, past the horizon, till I can't even see you...
far from here where the beaches are wide, just leave me your wake to remember you by....

If you'll be my star, i'll be your sky, you can hide underneath me...
and come out at night...When i turn jet black, and you show off your light . . .
I live to let you shine....I live to let you shine.

And you can sky rocket away from me, and never come back if you find another galaxy,
far from here, with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by,
star dust to remember you by.

26 June 2007 @ 09:56 pm
I have just found the worst ''holy grail'' in the entire world
21 June 2007 @ 12:54 am
STILL havent got my room back. kablaaah. This is really annoying me.
I like kevin spacey, he's a really good actor.
I'm having really fucked up dreams recently, like the last two or three weeks, all my dreams have been all,
nightmare...ish. Not extremely scarey or anything, but just really, uncomfortable. I don't know, just not good.
Aah. I love my dog, he is actually my wee bundle of ginger lumpy bumpy joy.
 I'm tired, so long and thanks for all the fish.

i hope that fox comes back this morning.
13 June 2007 @ 06:58 pm
Fuck iron maiden, as good as they are, lying down with you was a million times better.

In completely other news, i have been punished for going to download, aka, my room, has been taken away from me. No fucking shit. I am not allowed to go up to my room, or have a room, at all.
Fucking brilliant.
I am now working to get my room back, in so doing my mums every bloody wish and beckon every minute of the day. Luckily most of the time i've just gone to skea's.
Still. My mum is a fucking bitch. I can't beleive she has taken my goddamn room away and is now making me a bloody maid around the house in order to get it back, and at the same time i'm meant to go and get a job, she thinks it's really easy, like you just go one day, and the next you have a job. is it fuck.
I knew something was up when she let me go in the first place. I fucking knew it.
Doesnt matter though. I cant be fucked with it, so i'm pretty much not in the house now at all.
I don't see the point.
But I don't care, because my dog is a homosexual, caitlin and kirsty are my pcd's, and skea is just brilliant :)

(I met jay and silent bob i swear...)
24 May 2007 @ 05:33 pm
That is honestly, the most intelligent thing I have said in the last month.
17 May 2007 @ 04:21 pm
Whiskey in the morning. Blargh.
Who else just wants to completely leave glasgow?
Any takers?
Kablaaaah. I feel like watching stupid movies all day, but I don't want to alone. So in other words, won't be.
Oh well.

This picture actually made me lol out loud, i love poland.
19 April 2007 @ 11:43 pm

The bite Quizz:

The rules are basic all you need to do is answer the name after each body part. For example the person that you would bite in this place or have bitten in this place.

Who would you bite on the...

1. Arm: Like. everyone. It's how I show affection! I bite :(
2. Hand: me when it's itchy. seriously :)
3. Chest: skea
4. Neck: skeeea.
5. face: Skea, Graeme, Dean, like...lot's of people. affection I tell you! 
6. Leg: Anyone who's leg is in biting reach, which is not alot, but a lovely opportunity when given :)
7. Theigh: haha. skea.
8. Foot: I bit my foot once when i was itchy....i think i've bitten deans too.
9. Ear: skeeea. 
10. Nose: dean. forever i shall be attatched to his nose.

Now who would you let bite you on the .....

1. Arm: anyone without ultra sharp teeth
2. Hand: no no no no no,  unless it's oneself biting oneself, nibbling is only allowed. hands hurt.
3. Chest: skea. he kinda gets a given on the biting.
4. Neck: as above
5. face: Any of my close group of friends, seriously, affection, i like being bitten. but not like ''CRUNCH'' 
6. Leg: anyone who was in range i guess who was again in my close group of friends, doesnt happen often
7. Theigh: skea 
8. Foot: no one. i'd probably kick them in the face by accident. 
9. Ear: skea. i've got this thing about having my ears nibbled. so no one else is allowed to do it.
10. Nose: lol. I think dean's actually bitten me there before, did you? I can't remember